If you have just been through a relationship break up, and are finding life really hard – at least know this: you are not alone.   Nearly every week I see a young (or older) person really struggling with the after effects of relationship breakup. 

What does “relationship break up” refer to?  Sometimes it’s pretty straight-forward:  you’ve been in a relationship and the other person has now decided to end it.  But sometimes it is more complex:  perhaps the relationship was never official, but there was some kind of attraction (at least from your part) and then all of a sudden, this person has hooked up with someone else, told you how much they like another person or just made it clear in some other way: they are not interested in you.

The range of normal reactions.......

At this point, you might experience a whole range of reaction.  Read through the following and rate yourself a number out of 10, for how much each of these apply to you, 1=not felt this at all, 10 = I have felt like this all the time.

A sense of worthlessness or failure –  thoughts like:  I am nothing now, ,

Humiliation– including having thoughts like:  People will think I’m pathetic, unattractive, or not a good girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife.

Anger– including thoughts like: how could they do that to me, I did nothing wrong, I did so much for this person, it’s not fair.

Hopelessness about the future– I will never find someone who loves me, I’ll never really get over this

Feelings of sadness and loss– I miss them so much, I miss being together, I wish I had someone to talk to, I want my old life back

Anxiety and worry– about what others will think, about what will happen next, about finances, about what to say to people

Regret and/or guilt – I should have done things differently, maybe it is my fault, I pushed them to do this.

What people do when they feel this way....

If you are experiencing these reactions, you might find yourself having trouble sleeping, waking up during the night or early in the morning, wanting to be yourself, drinking too much, being irritable with others, not being able to concentrate, spending ages dwelling on the past and doing other unhelpful things.  You might even know, at some level, that these things are unhelpful but it feels like you can’t help it.  You just don’t have the energy to do anything differently.

So how to cope?  Here are three important ideas....

First, it is important to take care of yourself physically and emotionally during the next few weeks.  This   When you have finished this article, come back up here and click on Coping in Times of Crisis for more detail about how to do this.  But essentially it means getting more sleep than normal (partly in order to counter the effects of the extra energy your body is using to cope with the emotions you are having), eating well (again to give your body the resources it needs) and scaling back the commitments you have.  Talk to teachers, work collegues, family about how you might be able to just do the “minimum” needed to keep life running along.  You will not feel this way for long, so you can afford to take some time out.

Second, make a short term plan.  The plan should only be for a short period of time (days or weeks) and it might cover things like:  what you are going to do and not do, what you are going to say and not say to different people, what actions you are going to take in the potentially awkward/difficult situations and so on.

Here are some vital points about this plan.  As a starter, the plan must include small steps.  Don’t   

But here is the important point:  the plan must include really small steps.  Imagine that you are writing a plan for someone recovering from a serious illness.  They are very tired, and very weak.  Write down four specific things you want to do in the next two weeks, in relation to

Here is an example plan:

Jessie’s Plan for the next two weeks following break up with Greg:

1.  I will talk to English teacher/supervisor about getting extension for assignment/work project
2. I will delete Greg from phone/block him on facebook .
3. I will spend an extra 30 minutes a day on my scrapbooking project
4. I will ask Ted to swap groups with me so I dont need to see Greg
5. When friends other than Sue ask me how I’m going I will say I’m okay.
6. I will spend the next two Sunday nights with Sue debriefing

Third, find ways to “interfere with” endless analysis and regret

Our minds automatically “go over and over” painful things.  We may have inherited this tendency from our ancestors of thousands of years ago, when it was helpful to think a lot about painful things (where exactly was that patch of poisonous berries).  However, it is not helpful for us to spend hours and hours thinking about the pain that comes with relationship break up.  This means we need to be really proactive about interfering with, or derailing the train of thought that keeps taking us back to the past.  Think about the times of day which you have a tendency to think a lot about the relationship break up – perhaps at night, in the car or at home after work/school.  Once you have identified these potentially difficult times – make plans for things to do, things to listen to, things to think about in these times so you can hopefully interfere with that automatic train of thought.

Hope............

What is happening right now for you, might be the most challenging parts of your life so far.   It can also be one of most powerful opportunities for you to learn and for you tell the world (friends, family, the “other person”) something about yourself.

Many people look back on a relationship break up and have something positive to say about it, like “it helped me decide what was important”, or “I learnt something about myself”.  My hope for you is that this will be true for you.

If you want to talk 1:1 about a relationship break up, click on Counselling services to find out how we might be able to support you.