Conflict Resolution in Relationships
CONFLICT RESOLUTION in RELATIONSHIPS
People have different values, ways of communicating, expectations of people, and of life, ways of making decisions and preferences for how life should be lived. When two people live together and try to blend these differences, some conflict is inevitable. It is vital to understand this: It is inevitable that we will be angry, disappointed, hurt and frustrated at times. These feelings are not a problem in themselves. The problem with feeling angry, hurt, disappointed and frustrated with our partner is usually one of these three:
(a) we think we should not have to experience these feelings (eg – "it shouldn't be this hard", “it’s not fair that I feel so angry/hurt about this”)
(b) when we try to avoid having these feelings (I won’t talk about this important issue because it makes me frustrated/scared)
(c) when we act destructively because of these feelings (yelling, walking out because of anger, failing to forgive, nasty comments)
It is important to learn how to deal with conflict constructively, so that some problems can be resolved and communication can occur without long-lasting damage being inflicted to our relationships. How to do this? There is no "one" model to resolving conflict - different approaches work for different people, depending on the personalities involved. However, some ideas which some couples I have worked with have found helpful are below.
Before Conflict Happens
Actively and consistently remind yourself that we are individuals with different ways of responding to problems, communicating and thinking. Neither way is necessarily “the” right way. This is a hard concept to really “get”, because even when we understand this at some level, our instincts as humans is to assume our way is the ONE right way. Keep working on understanding and being aware of the differences between the two of you. Look at information about personality styles. Read about gender differences if appropriate. Talk about your different childhood experiences and the ways that shaped your experiences. Keep working on appreciating the differences between you.
Talk about how each of you typically respond to conflict. When you are both calm, and not angry at each other, it can be helpful to have a conversation about our strengths and weaknesses in conflict resolution. For example, we can ask each other questions like:
What is your usual response to a fight – how do you feel/think/act?
When we are fighting, what is it that you want me to do usually?
What do you find most difficult about our arguments?
What do you think we do that works when we have fights?
What do you think we do that doesn’t work when we have fights?
How did your parents (or other adults you were close to as a child) resolve conflict?
How has that influenced you?
Address all these questions in a conversation together. Make a few decisions about how you will handle conflict in the future. Consider using some of the principles outlined below.
When Conflict Occurs
1. Listen intently. Ask non-threatening and non-blaming questions to clarify exactly what he or she means and exactly what he or she is angry or upset about. For example:
What upsets you the most right now?
What did I do that made it worse?
What disappointed you about this situation?
Is there anything that you worry will happen now?
In an ideal world what would have I done here?
When did you feel most angry?
2. Then we should check out our understanding by asking our partner if we have heard correctly. If we haven’t got it right, we keep going until our partner feels heard. A useful way to think about this is to imagine that we are going to be given an exam on how our partner feels and thinks about this issue. We must learn as much as we can, as efficiently as we can – and then to express that understanding. For example:
Okay, let me see if I understand this: you felt….and then you were upset because…?
I just want to be clear: is it that…..?
I’m just clarifying this issue: you are angry because….
3. Then we should honestly respond to our partners. This is hard for some people to do, because it makes us vulnerable. But unless we do it, conflict is never fully resolved. We need to share our feelings and thoughts. When responding, use “I” statements. That is, say “I feel ………….when …….happens”, rather than “You” statements such as “You make me ………” This makes it a problem to be solved, rather than a criticism or attacking of the other person.
4. When we are responding, we should tell our partner how we feel. In particular, we can try to identify any feelings of fear, anxiety, worry, sadness, grief or guilt that we might have and express these feelings. Often anger and frustration masks these other feelings. Always check what hurt or fear is “underneath” anger – our own and the other person’s. Expressing these other “softer” feelings to our partner makes us more vulnerable, but it can often cut through to the real issues more quickly.
5. Even while we are expressing these feelings, we must take responsibility for them ourselves. We should not expect our partner change our feelings. Our partner is not the cause of our emotions. Therefore, we cannot expect them to “fix” how we’re feeling or take away these feelings, in the same way that we cannot do this for them.
6. When responding to your partner, stick to the issue at hand. Be brief. Focus on problem solving and the present situation. There are many things we could potentially fight about, but we can only resolve one at a time. Leave other related issues for another day.
7. Accept the need for Time Out. That is, if we feel we cannot discuss the problem rationally, say, “I feel as though I need Time Out”. However, the most important rule for Time Out is that we must immediately set a definite time to come back to it later. Time Out is sometimes a really useful way of getting things back into perspective.
8. We should not expect our partners to be happy about being criticised. They will be experiencing feelings of hurt, and will have a sense of being attacked, even if they are “wrong” and they know it! Biologically, their body will be on the defense, even if they agree at some level, with what we are saying. Therefore, allow them room and space to be upset. Understand that part of their anger is part of a biological defense system. There is some evidence that males have a stronger physiological reaction to conflict (heart rate, blood pressure, muscle tension) than women and find conflict more aversive than women do. For some men, it is particularly important to be able to take time out.
9. If we are wrong, we must admit it and apologise. If you see yourself at fault, even if a small way, apologise before you feel 100% sorry. Often voicing an apology makes us feel more sorry and recognise the hurt we inflicted. Find it hard to say sorry? Most of us do – we are “programmed” to not show weakness. Here are some sentences to try if you get stuck:
I’m feeling a bit guilty about..
I probably shouldn’t really have..
I can see what you are saying about…
I’m sorry about..
You’re right to say…
It was dumb of me to..
10.Don’t expect an apology to bring instant resolution however. Our partners may need to see that we FEEL sorry, not just that we intellectually recognise our mistakes. Sometimes we may need to apologise more than once, in more than one way. Sometimes our partner will need time to move on, and not be able to accept the apology immediately.
11.On the other hand, if our partner has apologised, we should do all we can to accept the apology at that time. Even if it has not been given in the manner we would ideally want. It is extremely difficult to apologise, let alone apologise using the exact words, and exact tone that we would wish. Apologies are sometimes a work in progress. For the relationship’s sake, we are generally wise to accept the apology - however it is given.
12.Be willing to explore compromises and workable alternatives. We are not there to “win” but to solve a problem. Brainstorm ideas for how we can do this. Try to find a solution in which both of we get at least some of your needs met. Don’t make the goal – to be right. Make the goal – resolving the conflict. Ask questions like, “What would have to happen to fix this up?”, “what can we do to make each of us feel better?’, “How can we make this right?” and “what could we do to prevent this happening in the future”.
13.Keep breathing. Your body probably wants to go into “fight or flight” mode so that it can attack or run away. This means we will breathe quickly or hold your breath, which will sustain your high level of physiological arousal – which will not help we. Breathe slowly and deeply during the discussion.
14.Watch the tone. Our tone of voice is often a MORE powerful communicator than the words we use often. If our tone of voice contradicts the words we are saying, it is the tone of voice which will be believed. Concentrate on keeping volume low, speaking softly and relaxing our jaw and neck muscles when we speak.
15.If we have a tendency to lash out and then regret what we’ve said, we should get into the habit of “delaying” our speeches. Before we speak, count to 30, backwards. Then re-evaluate – do we still want to say it?
16.Be wary of using “the silent treatment”. Keep talking. Even if we do not know what to say, we should say “I don’t really know how to fix this” or something similar. When we stop talking, we can easily be misinterpreted. Males may need to be especially aware of this.
17.Never “name-call”, use put-downs or use sarcasm. If we slip into this (most of us do this at some point during an argument) we should apologise immediately, take a deep breath and start our comments again. However, we should realise that by using personal put downs, we may have taken three steps backwards, and may need to repair the damage we have done (by apologising and showing that we are sorry) before we can move on.
Finally, remember it is easier to build a relationship by "adding in" positives than it is by taking out negatives. Most relationships don't end because of conflict, they end because of a lack of positives. Work really hard on adding in positives - time together, intimacy, fun, humour, sharing common interests, working towards similar goals, showing respect and admiration for each other - and so on. The more positives you have in a relationship, the less the conflict matters.
For one to one help in dealing with difficult relationships, go to Counselling Services.
Copyright 2006 Kirrilie Smout. Please feel free to use this article with the following acknowledgement "Kirrilie Smout, Psychologist, www.innovateonline.net"