Dealing with Difficult People at Work
Actually, to be honest, I think the concept of “difficult” people is largely a myth….people are not difficult – situations are difficult. Some writers have used labels, eg “the bully”, “the passive aggressive” and so on to help us understand others – but I think this makes things worse. Once we label a person as difficult we automatically set up barrier between us and them, and we put them on the opposite “team”.
It is useful to adjust our expectations. Most of us grow up with some unrealistic life rules eg: everyone must like me, everyone must think I do a good job, I must be treated fairly. How realistic are our assumptions in this area? Writer, M.Scott Peck famously said “Life is Difficult - but once we accept that life is difficult, life becomes less difficult”
Understand anger. Anger is not about attacking, usually about defending. Underneath almost all anger comes either: (a) hurt, (b) embarrassment or (c) fear/worry. We can see this from looking at our own anger. For example, think of a time you have been angry – find the hurt, embarrassment or worry underneath it. When someone else is angry, see if you can discover hurt, embarrassment or anger underneath that. Use this understanding to help you address the real issue. Ie want to let you know this will not happen, or I am sorry for…..
Understand differences in personality style. We are used to looking at the world, situations and people as “good/bad” or “right/wrong”. This kind of dichotomous thinking is too simplistic, judgemental and unhelpful. Get educated on personality style differences. Some people see no need for tact, taking care of feelings and are more concerned about what makes sense. Others more concerned about people than logic. Some people spontaneous, flexible, adaptable – these are often called “disorganised” by people not like them. Others structured, organised, punctual – these are often called “rigid” by people not like them. Some people interested in the facts and details, others interested in big picture and ideas. Who is right?? The world needs all kinds of people…..
Focus less on “right/wrong” and “winning/losing” more on what works. If it works, if it is useful, and it doesn’t compromise your basic integrity, does it matter if it is not “true”? Truth is relative, everyone thinks they have Truth with a capital T. Use the test of time, in ten years time will it matter? If not, compromise might be less damaging in long term. Studies show resentment and stress extremely damaging to body. By compromising, sometimes backing down – looking after your physical and emotional health.
Transparency is an important concept. Be willing to be honest about own feelings, especially hurt, fear, inadequacy, embarrassment. Honesty can be incredibly disarming: people don’t expect it so makes them stop and change patterns, plus it tends to be contagious. It is useful to be honest about why something is bothering you, eg I’m worried about mail book – because it has not been filled in it makes me concerned that records aren’t kept, if someone rings to check, I’m going to look unprofessional, this freaks me right out. Also transparency about hidden situations – people niggling at each other etc – useful to be honest
Consult with others confidentially. Two problems. First, people try to deal with it on their own, lose perspective, get angry, have no outlet, problem becomes bigger than needed. Second, opposite problem, talk to everyone about it. Compromising your own integrity, feel worse, inflames the situation as we go on and on about the injustice of it all, and ALWAYS gets back to the person. Find one person can speak to in private, and ask for help. As far as off loading, do it with family or friends outside of workplace.
When people are angry:
DON’T try to reason. Can’t reason with people who are angry. When people angry, physiologically they have adrenalin running through body, their body not preparing to think, preparing to fight. Blood is leaving the brain and going to muscles! Wait until people have calmed before engaging in logical debate.
DO listen in order to understand. Turn down little mental voice which is preparing your answer as soon as they stop to take a breath. Pretend you will win a million dollars if after person has finished talking you can precisely summarise exactly what has upsetting the person and why. Once think you understand, check it out.
DO gather information. Ask questions. Don’t assume you understand. The more information you have the better. Very easy to look like an idiot if don’t have the full picture. Underestimate your understanding, act humble. People like to teach, to tell – give them the opportunity.
DO protect yourself. If personal attacks, calmly state want to understand and help but cannot do so with this style of conversation. If necessary tell them you will walk away/hang up and get back to them in (time limit).
Focus on what you can CONTROL. Steven Covey’s idea: Circle of influence versus circle of concern. Can’t control others reactions, thoughts, feelings, behaviour. Only can control own. Bottom line, hope for change in others – don’t expect. If can’t live with a situation, only option is for you to change or to leave. Option of other person changing not under your control, can’t live life around it.
Humour can help! If all else fails, privately imagine the person in their underwear with red clown nose, making pig noises jumping up and down on a trampoline!
Please feel free to reproduce this article with the following acknowledgement: “Kirrilie Smout, Psychologist, www.innovateonline.net”