Dealing with Difficult People at Work
Ideas about dealing with Difficult People at Work
For most people, one of the hardest parts about work is not the work itself, but certain people we find difficult at work. How we communicate and respond to people we find difficult will depend greatly on the person, the situation and what we need to achieve. However, here are a few ideas as a starter to consider.
1. Think differently about anger or frustration in people. Often, anger is not about attacking, but instead about defending. When somebody is showing irritibility or frustration, think about what it is they might be defending. Another way of thinking about angry people is that underneath almost all anger is either: (a) hurt, (b) embarrassment or (c) fear/worry. For example, think of a time you have been angry – if you think about your anger (eg partner home late once again without calling) you will probably find some hurt, embarrassment or worry underneath that anger (eg hurt that partner doesnt seem to care enough, or worry that you share different values about communication). If we can discover the hurt, embarrassment or fear underneath someone's anger or frustration, we are 80% of the way there in being able to address and solve the real issue.
2. Understand differences in personality style. We typically see the world, situations and people as “good/bad” or “right/wrong”. It's an instinctive way of thinking which came out of human beings having to make quick judgements many years ago - poisonous berry or safe berry. Although it is a kind of thinking which is instinctive, unfortunately it is also often unhelpful, especially when we are making judgements about what people at work do. It can be helpful to educate ourselves on personality style differences. Some people see no need for tact, taking care of feelings and are more concerned about what makes sense. Others are more concerned about people than logic. Some people are spontaneous, flexible, adaptable – these are often called “disorganised” by people not like them. Others are structured, organised, punctual – these are often called “rigid” by people not like them. Some people interested in the facts and details, others interested in big picture and ideas. When we can start thinking about what people do as "different" rather than wrong, it is much easier to find compromise.
3. Focus less on “right/wrong” and “winning/losing” more on what works. If it works, if it is useful, and it doesn’t compromise your basic integrity, does it really matter if it is not “right”? Use the test of time, and ask yourself, "in ten years time will this really matter?" If not, compromising now might be less damaging for yourself and others in the long term. Studies show resentment and stress can be extremely damaging to our body. Sometimes we need to be willing to simply let go and focus on what really matters.
4. Consider whether it might work to be as transparent and straightforward as possible. Honesty can be incredibly disarming: people don’t expect it so it has the potential to change patterns. As a bonus it tends to be contagious. It is useful to be honest about why something is bothering you, eg I’m worried about not being able to meet this deadline and I'm not sure what to do. What could you be honest about which might move a conflict forward?
5. Consult with others about people you find difficult, but do it confidentially. There can be two different problems when it comes to dealing with "difficult people" at work. First, if we try to deal with it entirely on our own, sometimse we lose perspective, get angry, have no outlet, and then the problem becomes bigger than needed. The second, opposite problem, is when we talk too freely about the problem and more people than need to find out about it, which compromises our own integrity and inflames the situation. Find one person you can speak to in private, and ask for help. As far as simple "offloading" goes, do it with family or friends outside of the workplace. Remember however, excessive talking about how frustrated we are with someone is actually likely to make us angrier and more frustrated. Distraction is a better strategy once we have problem solved as much as we can.
For one to one help in dealing with difficult situations at work, go to Counselling services for information about what we offer.