What is Grief?

Grief is a normal response to the loss of any significant person, object or opportunity.

Any loss can lead to grief. For example, people often grieve in response to: divorce, retirement, moving, the death of a pet, losing a job, health failure, children leaving home, selling one’s car, graduating from school/university or ageing. 

Of course, one of the most difficult types of grief is that which occurs after the death of a loved person.

What is Grief like?

Grief often begins with a period of shock. For example, you might feel:

Numb

Dizzy, nauseous, racing heart, fast breathing

Disbelief (thoughts like “this is not real”, “I will wake up soon”, feeling like you are in a dream or watching self from above

Intense crying

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After the initial period of shock, a number of physical, emotional and cognitive (patterns of thinking) and social effects and behaviours usually occur.  There are no rules for when and how these effects happen, and they might start, stop and then restart. 

Physical Effects

Exhaustion                                 Sleeping Difficulties                               Dry mouth

Weakness                                   Headaches                                             Tightness in chest/stomach

Shortness of Breath                  Indigestion                                            Appetite loss/increase

Unexplained Pain

Emotional Effects and Patterns of thinking

Depression                                Declining interest in sex             Forgetfulness   

Hopelessness                            Dreams about the deceased                  Anxiety

Nightmares                               Feeling irritable                         Helplessness

Intense sorrow                          Feelings of emptiness                           

Loneliness                                Guilt

Anger                                       Listlessness, lack of energy                              

Social and Behavioural Effects

Restlessness                                 Desire to talk a lot about the loss

Withdrawal from others            New tension between family members

Disorganisation

Inefficiency

How long does Grief last?

There are no fixed rules for the “normal” length of the grieving process.   The effects of grief, as listed above, often come in waves. As months pass, they tend to fade but sometimes return with renewed intensity.   However, most counsellors expect that after a period of 3 months after the loss, the most intense grieving will have subsided. It is not unusual however, with more intense losses, for 1-2 years to pass before the person who is grieving begins to really “feel themselves” again.

The process of grief is in part, learning to live with loss in an ongoing way and still find joy and meaning in life.  It is not about “getting over” loss, but in being able to incorporate it into life.  As inconceivable as that feels to us sometimes, it is possible.

How do I cope with Grief?

People cope with grief in very different ways.   On the whole, there are no “right” or “wrong” ways to get through the experience of grief. The following suggestions are a guide only.

Feel free to talk about the details of your loss to trusted others

You don’t have to keep a “stiff upper lip” and keep it to yourself.

Not feeling like talking about the loss is also okay

It is possible to deal with loss without talking about it very much.  People who say you “have to” talk about it are misguided.

Try to allow yourself to feel all the emotions that you have

Keep a journal or mental record and try to note down all the different emotions, thoughts and experiences that you have.

Anticipate that birthdays, anniversaries & holidays will be tough,allow yourself renewed grief

The process of dealing with loss has “hills and valleys”.  When valleys occur, don’t despair, it doesn’t mean nothing has changed.

Ask for and let people help in practical ways - cleaning, driving, organising, and so on

If you find it hard to ask for help, you might make a list of things people can do which might be helpful and give it to a close friend, and ask them to spread the word. 

Obtain information which feels important for you to know - exactly how a person died for example.

For some people, information is helpful.  It is okay for you to seek as much information as you need.

Allow yourself (and others) individual and different reactions to loss

People experience very different grief reactions. 

Try not to make any irreversible or important decisions within a few months of your loss

Remember your brain and body are not functioning as well as normal, and major decision making will be affected by this.

Avoid extensive use of alcohol or other drugs to cope with your grief

Seek out others who have been in your position, who may relate to your experiences

Ask your GP, professionals, friends and family for ideas about support groups or names of people who have been through similar experiences.

What is the difference between normal and pathological grief?

Pathological grief occurs when the grief reaction is delayed, denied or distorted. Signs of pathological grief include:

Unwillingness to talk at all about the person who has died

Refering to the person in the present tense (“She doesn’t like what I’m doing)

Excessive hostility or guilt

Excessive drinking or drug abuse

Refusal to interact with others for a long period of time

Stoic refusal to show emotions or to appear affected by the loss or a happy, euphoric attitude

Intense busyness and unusual hyperactivity

In the persisting presence of these signs, the grieving person should be referred to a trained counsellor or psychologist.

Books which may be helpful for people dealing with grief:

Lewis, C.S. (1961) A Grief Observed. New York:Bantam Books

Rowley, C.A., and W.J. (1984) On Wings of Mourning: Our Journey through Grief and Recovery Waco, Tex. Word

It is often a good idea to seek help in dealing with major losses.  See Counselling services for information about what we can provide.