Innovate

What is Grief?

Grief is a normal response to the loss of any significant person, object or opportunity.

Any loss can lead to grief. For example, people often grieve in response to: divorce, retirement, moving, the death of a pet, losing a job, health failure, children leaving home, selling one’s car, graduating from school/university or ageing.

Of course, one of the most difficult types of grief is that which occurs after the death of a loved person.

What is Grief like?

Generally, grief begins with a period of shock. Shock may be experienced as:

· Feelings of numbness

· Dizziness, naseau, increased heart rate, fast or shallow breathing

· Denial or disbelief (e.g. “This is not real”, “Is this really happening?”)

· Intense crying

· Collapse

After the initial period of shock, a number of physical, emotional and cognitive and social effects usually occur, often in combination with continuing symptoms of shock. These effects may appear in any order, and they may cease and then reoccur.

Physical Effects

Exhaustion Sleeping Difficulties Dry mouth

Weakness Headaches Tightness in chest/stomach

Shortness of Breath Indigestion Appetite loss/increase

Pain

Emotional and Cognitive Effects

Depression Declining interest in sex Forgetfulness

Hopelessness Dreams about the deceased Anxiety

Nightmares Feeling irritable Helplessness

Intense sorrow Feelings of emptiness

Loneliness Guilt

Anger Listlessness, lack of energy

Social and Behavioural Effects

Restlessness Desire to talk incessantly about deceased

Withdrawal from others New tension between family members

Disorganisation

Inefficiency

How long does Grief last?

There are no fixed rules for the “normal” length of the grieving process. The effects of grief, as listed above, often come in waves. As months pass, they tend to fade but sometimes return with renewed intensity. However, most counsellors expect that after a period of 3 months after the loss, the most intense grieving will have subsided. It is not unusual however, with more intense losses, for 1-2 years to pass before the person who is grieving begins to really “feel themselves” again.

How do I cope with Grief?

People cope with grief in very different ways. On the whole, there are no “right” or “wrong” ways to get through the experience of grief. The following suggestions are a guide only.

· Feel free to talk about the details of your loss to trusted others

· Not feeling like talking about the loss is also okay

· Allow yourself to feel all the emotions that you have

· Don’t try to forget the loss or “get on with your life” too quickly - let yourself grieve

· Anticipate that birthdays, anniversaries & holidays will be tough,allow yourself renewed grief

· Ask for and let people help in practical ways - cleaning, driving, organising, and so on

· Obtain information which feels important for you to know - exactly how the person died for example - you are not being morbid, its okay to be curious

· Allow yourself (and others) individual and different reactions to loss

· Try not to make any irreversible or important decisions within a few months of your loss

· Avoid extensive use of alcohol or other drugs to cope with your grief

· Seek out others who have been in your position, who may relate to your experiences

· Know that you will survive

What is the difference between normal and pathological grief?

Pathological grief occurs when the grief reaction is delayed, denied or distorted. Signs of pathological grief include:

· Unwillingness to talk at all about the person who has died

· Refering to the person in the present tense (“She doesn’t like what I’m doing)

· Threats of self-destruction

· Persisting and deep depression, often accompanied by guilt and low self-esteem

· Excessive hostility or guilt

· Excessive drinking or drug abuse

· Refusal to interact with others

· Refusal to change the deceased person’s room or to dispose of clothing or possessions

· Stoic refusal to show emotions or to appear affected by the loss or a happy, euphoric attitude

· Intense busyness and unusual hyperactivity

In the persisting presence of these signs, the grieving person should be referred to a trained counsellor or psychologist.

Books which may be helpful for people dealing with grief:

Lewis, C.S. (1961) A Grief Observed. New York:Bantam Books

Rowley, C.A., and W.J. (1984) On Wings of Mourning: Our Journey through Grief and Recovery Waco, Tex. Word

Please feel free to reproduce this article with the following acknowledgement: “Kirrilie Smout, Psychologist, www.innovateonline.net”