Thoughts about Grief
What is Grief?
Grief is a normal response to the loss of any significant person, object or opportunity.
Any loss can lead to grief. For example, people often grieve in response to: divorce, retirement, moving, the death of a pet, losing a job, health failure, children leaving home, selling one’s car, graduating from school/university or ageing.
Of course, one of the most difficult types of grief is that which occurs after the death of a loved person.
What is Grief like?
Grief often begins with a period of shock. For example, you might feel:
Numb
Dizzy, nauseous, racing heart, fast breathing
Disbelief (thoughts like “this is not real”, “I will wake up soon”, feeling like you are in a dream or watching self from above
Intense crying
Collapse
After the initial period of shock, a number of physical, emotional and cognitive (patterns of thinking) and social effects and behaviours usually occur. There are no rules for when and how these effects happen, and they might start, stop and then restart.
Physical Effects
Exhaustion Sleeping Difficulties Dry mouth
Weakness Headaches Tightness in chest/stomach
Shortness of Breath Indigestion Appetite loss/increase
Unexplained Pain
Emotional Effects and Patterns of thinking
Depression Declining interest in sex Forgetfulness
Hopelessness Dreams about the deceased Anxiety
Nightmares Feeling irritable Helplessness
Intense sorrow Feelings of emptiness
Loneliness Guilt
Anger Listlessness, lack of energy
Social and Behavioural Effects
Restlessness Desire to talk a lot about the loss
Withdrawal from others New tension between family members
Disorganisation
Inefficiency
How long does Grief last?
There are no fixed rules for the “normal” length of the grieving process. The effects of grief, as listed above, often come in waves. As months pass, they tend to fade but sometimes return with renewed intensity. However, most counsellors expect that after a period of 3 months after the loss, the most intense grieving will have subsided. It is not unusual however, with more intense losses, for 1-2 years to pass before the person who is grieving begins to really “feel themselves” again.
The process of grief is in part, learning to live with loss in an ongoing way and still find joy and meaning in life. It is not about “getting over” loss, but in being able to incorporate it into life. As inconceivable as that feels to us sometimes, it is possible.
How do I cope with Grief?
People cope with grief in very different ways. On the whole, there are no “right” or “wrong” ways to get through the experience of grief. The following suggestions are a guide only.
Feel free to talk about the details of your loss to trusted others
You don’t have to keep a “stiff upper lip” and keep it to yourself.
Not feeling like talking about the loss is also okay
It is possible to deal with loss without talking about it very much. People who say you “have to” talk about it are misguided.
Try to allow yourself to feel all the emotions that you have
Keep a journal or mental record and try to note down all the different emotions, thoughts and experiences that you have.
Anticipate that birthdays, anniversaries & holidays will be tough,allow yourself renewed grief
The process of dealing with loss has “hills and valleys”. When valleys occur, don’t despair, it doesn’t mean nothing has changed.
Ask for and let people help in practical ways - cleaning, driving, organising, and so on
If you find it hard to ask for help, you might make a list of things people can do which might be helpful and give it to a close friend, and ask them to spread the word.
Obtain information which feels important for you to know - exactly how a person died for example.
For some people, information is helpful. It is okay for you to seek as much information as you need.
Allow yourself (and others) individual and different reactions to loss
People experience very different grief reactions.
Try not to make any irreversible or important decisions within a few months of your loss
Remember your brain and body are not functioning as well as normal, and major decision making will be affected by this.
Avoid extensive use of alcohol or other drugs to cope with your grief
Seek out others who have been in your position, who may relate to your experiences
Ask your GP, professionals, friends and family for ideas about support groups or names of people who have been through similar experiences.
What is the difference between normal and pathological grief?
Pathological grief occurs when the grief reaction is delayed, denied or distorted. Signs of pathological grief include:
Unwillingness to talk at all about the person who has died
Refering to the person in the present tense (“She doesn’t like what I’m doing)
Excessive hostility or guilt
Excessive drinking or drug abuse
Refusal to interact with others for a long period of time
Stoic refusal to show emotions or to appear affected by the loss or a happy, euphoric attitude
Intense busyness and unusual hyperactivity
In the persisting presence of these signs, the grieving person should be referred to a trained counsellor or psychologist.
Books which may be helpful for people dealing with grief:
Lewis, C.S. (1961) A Grief Observed. New York:Bantam Books
Rowley, C.A., and W.J. (1984) On Wings of Mourning: Our Journey through Grief and Recovery Waco, Tex. Word
It is often a good idea to seek help in dealing with major losses. See Counselling services for information about what we can provide.
