Innovate

Ideas about Fights Between Siblings

IT IS NORMAL

All siblings fight. Actually, all animals fight. It is a biological normality to fight to get what you want and to try to be dominant in some way. Adults have similar feelings of annoyance and displeasure with people it is just that we have learnt to hide it! So if your children argue, bicker and fight with each other, you are not alone. In fact parents often complain that fights between siblings cause them the most headaches out of all their parenting responsibilities.

IT CAN HAVE SOME ADVANTAGES

Fighting among siblings is not all bad. It helps children and young people learn a number of skills including: mediation, conflict resolution, anger management, dealing with not getting own way, managing disappointment, learning that the world is not fair – and more. Imagine if your child was an only child, who never experienced any conflict or fights. How does this prepare them for the world! If we can think of fights between siblings as a learning experience for children and young people, and an essential part of their lives, it takes away the need for us as parents to try to eliminate them altogether – and this reduces the pressure somewhat.

REDUCE AS MANY SOURCES OF THE CONFLICT AS POSSIBLE

For a week, record what exactly is being fought about. Do the same old fights happen again and again? For these particular fights, see whether some kind of system or routine can be put in place. For example, are there fights over TV/phone/computer use? Draw up a regular routine that eliminates any possibility of negotiation or confusion. For instance: “Child X has the computer between 4pm-5pm and child Y has it between 5pm-6pm. The computer is not used at any other time. If child X stays on the computer after 5pm then he forfeits his right to the computer the following evening, as does child Y if she tries to use the computer before 5pm. The kitchen oven clock is the agreed upon timing device.” Are there continual fights about shared room/drawer spaces? Draw up a visual plan of who gets what space and at what times. Ask the siblings to help you come up with these routines and systems and then make sure they are written down.

HELP CHILDREN/YOUNG PEOPLE AVOID SITUATIONS WHICH YOU KNOW CAUSE CONFLICT

Do your siblings always fight just before tea time? Do they always fight on long car trips together? Does the last week of the school holidays consist of world war three? If you know conflict is likely to happen at certain times and in certain situations, see whether any of these situations can be avoided in the first place. Would allowing a special DVD or another engaging activity for the 30 minutes before tea be helpful? Can the budget stretch to handheld games or personal CD players for the car on long trips? Is a school holiday program for one or more children a possibility in the last week?

IF IT IS ONE PARTICULAR ANTAGONISER ALL THE TIME

Is there one child who seems to always be causing fights? One on one time with this child is needed to try and help him/her feel more secure, and to attempt to discover what is behind the antagonizing. Be careful however, as sometimes the child who appears to be the antagoniser is being quietly teased and tormented by another sibling, and is simply less subtle about their own behaviour when they lash out.

TEACH CHILDREN CONFLICT RESOLUTION AND ANGER MANAGEMENT SKILLS IN HAPPIER TIMES

Just as we teach our children how to read, use a knife and fork and how to catch a ball, we should be teaching them conflict resolution skills. The best time to do this is when there are no fights happening at that particular moment. Younger children benefit from brainstorming and role playing. Teach and give options for what to do when they feel hard done by. Teach and give options for what to do when they feel frustrated. Older children learn through parents describing what works for them, and generating discussion. Help them identify what helps them when they feel exasperated. Help them think about options for when they feel things are not fair. Teaching conflict resolution and anger management skills is an ongoing task.

GIVE CHILDREN AN OPPORTUNITY TO RESOLVE CONFLICT THEMSELVES (PROVIDE INCENTIVES)

For some squabbling, it is worth allowing children to “work it out” themselves. Tell them they have five minutes to resolve the conflict on their own and if it is not done by this time, the toy will be taken away, computer switched off or both be in time out. Alternatively, provide a reward. They have five minutes to resolve the issue and if they do so successfully they can both watch a video or go to the shops with you. For younger children, you might need to intervene to some minor extent to “coach” them through the resolution process, but over time (and with older children and teenagers) insist they do it themselves. In any case however, watch closely and notice the areas in which they need additional conflict resolution/anger management skills, and work on these at the next opportunity (when there is no fight happening).

WHOEVER WAS “RIGHT” INITIALLY IS SECONDARY, THE FACT THEY ARE BOTH FIGHTING IS PRIMARY

Don’t get into trying to play detective. It is impossible to be fair all the time. Regardless of who “started it”, they are both fighting now and therefore both in the wrong. “I don’t care who started it, I care that it stops” is our approach.

SOMETIMES, TRY REMOVING THE AUDIENCE

If fights go on and on, tell them they can fight – but outside (hopefully in the cold). Alternatively, walk away yourself. If you are pretty sure that no-one will get hurt, simply removing the audience to their fights can stop the arguments.

REWARD AND ATTENTION FOR CO-OPERATIVE PLAY

We need to make sure we notice co-operative play. When children are playing well together, notice. Make a point of commenting appreciatively and thanking them. Sometimes the only attention children get is when they are fighting. This sets up a negative cycle.

CHILDREN NEED TIME ALONE

Encourage all members of the family to have time alone. Being alone is an important skill. Also, when children have spent time apart they are often more likely to get along with family members when they get back together. It is important for each child in the family to have their own hobbies, interests and time spent doing things apart from the rest of the family.

THERE HAS TO BE NON-NEGOTIABLES

All children in the family should know that there are certain house rules that are not negotiable. These can include – any physical violence (including pushing and jostling), name calling, swearing at someone, taunting and yelling. There should be an immediate consequence (known by all parties in advance) for these behaviours which is consistently and decisively applied every single time it occurs.

DON’T FORGET TO “LOOK DEEPER”

Sometimes siblings fight as a way of expressing stress and sadness in their own life. When siblings are constantly fighting, check out how things are going for them in other areas. Spend one on one time with each child or young person and give them the opportunity to talk. Is the older child feeling imposed upon by or too responsible for the younger child? Is the younger child feeling intimidated by or jealous of the older child? Sometimes children and young people have genuine grievances against another sibling. It is important we give them space to air these – not in the midst of an argument – but one on one at a later time.