Helping Children Through Separation & Divorce
Parents often worry about how their children will cope with their separation. It is important to remember two things:
o Many children experience their parents separating. It is something that they can, and do deal with, very frequently in our society.
o However, most children experience some sadness, anger and adjustment difficulties when their parents separate. They will survive this, and even learn from it, but it is not something that can be ignored or minimised.
Therefore, it is important to work out the best way of dealing with young people during separation so that their distress can be minimised where possible. Some ideas to consider follow.
1. Understand that research suggests that children suffer the most not from the actual separation itself, but from conflict between parents. Therefore, for some families the separation actually eases the distress for kids, if indeed the conflict between parents diminishes after separation. On the other hand, if conflict increases after separation, distress for the children can increase.
2. Therefore, it is essential that wherever possible, parents ensure that the kids do not observe, guess at or pick up on conflict between parents. This is most harmful for children. In this respect:
· Do not argue in front of the children
· Do not talk angrily about one parent in front of the children
· Do not talk angrily about one parent to the children
· Do not ask the child about what is happening in the other house
· Do not use the child as a messenger
3. It is also important that children are protected from “adult knowledge” about the separation. For children who are not at high school, this is especially important. Children should not know the details about why the separation occurred, details about financial arrangements, opinions about the parent and so forth. If the child asks they should be told, “you don’t need to worry about that, that’s for your mother/father and I to sort out. What is important for you to know is that we love you and are going to look after you”.
4. Parents should reassure the child, more than once: that
· The separation is not their fault.
· That both their Mum and Dad love them.
· That they will continue to see their Mum and Dad
5. Contact and living arrangements vary between families. Many different arrangements can work well, provided there is good communication between the parents. A number of guidelines apply:
· In general, routine and consistency works better than random arrangements.
· In general, it should not be up to the child (unless they are older teenagers) to “decide” when to see the non-custodial parent – this can give the child the opportunity to “take sides” and is too much pressure.
· It is important the child feel that they have “two” homes, rather than one home and one place to visit. Helping the child feel as though they have ownership and importance in two homes can be a way of making the separation easier.
5. It is also important that similar standards of discipline and routine continue to apply after the separation. Most parents feel guilty about various aspects of separation and it is very tempting to overcompensate for this guilt by failing to discipline, giving presents and trying to help the child feel good at any cost. This might make the child feel good for a short period of time, but over the long term it will be harmful for them. We should acknowledge our guilt and sadness but be vigilant to make sure we do not let this affect how we parent.
Please feel free to reproduce this article with the following acknowledgement: “Kirrilie Smout, Psychologist, www.innovateonline.net”