Welcome

Welcome to the latest edition of YouthMoves, a news-sheet that gives ‘snatches’ of youth news, information and resources relevant to busy people relating to teens.   In this issue we will look at asking teenagers questions, some useful resources, the latest events and upcoming conferences.  I hope this newsletter is of interest and help to you.  If you would like to see the back issues of Youth Moves, log on to our website www.innovateonline.net.  If I can assist your work with young people in any way (by offering counselling services, speaking/training or just answering a question about youth issues), please feel free to phone me on 8357 1711, or email kirriliesmout@innovateonline.net.

Ask Questions

I was at a conference last week and heard a very wise psychologist by the name of Kirk Strosahl say this:  “the most effective therapists do most of their work by asking questions”. 

I think this is actually true for parents of teenagers as well.  It seems much quicker and easier to just “tell” teenagers the things we want them to know and to explain and describe the messages that are important for them to hear.  It is pretty simple to make statements like “it is unhealthy to binge drink”, “you will get better grades if you study harder”, “staying out late is going to make you exhausted tomorrow”.  Unfortunately, simply stating a message is unlikely to have much effect on behaviour.  Learning things for ourselves is far more powerful.  In fact, several studies have shown that when people deduce information by themselves, they are more likely to remember this information than when they are directly taught it. 

A parent I was talking to this week found this to be true for him.  His daughter was studying for Year 11 exams and didn’t appear to be doing much exam revision.  Knowing that his experience of telling her to work harder hadn’t been particularly effective in the past, he tried a different strategy.  He asked his daughter, with genuine curiosity and concern, whether she was having difficulty getting motivated.  She admitted that she was and her Dad sympathised.  The part that particularly surprised this parent however, was that the daughter independently and without prompting came up with some ideas about how to deal with her motivation and began to do more study that evening.

One of the most important ways we teach teenagers is by asking them questions.  Asking questions (see Q&A section for ideas) helps teenagers think about what they believe, it helps them identify the problems in situations and arguments, it helps them identify what they want and value, and much more.  In addition, asking teenagers questions also gives us a whole lot of information that helps us know how to support them.

I was working recently with a teenage client who continually failed to take medication which she needed to manage a chronic health issue.  Her GP and I had worked together on trying to help this young woman comply with her medication and we were all failing miserably.  It finally occurred to me to ask the teenager what exactly she didn’t like about taking the medication.  Suddenly we had a solvable problem on our hands.  I was very embarrassed that it had taken me so long to do the obvious – gather more information. 

I suggest that for all of us working with and parenting teenagers, we need to ask more questions.  Our first response should not be one of telling – but of asking.  Our first response to a problem behaviour should be to seek information; when we are concerned about a teen we should ask questions; and when we are angry we should gather data.

The more asking we do, the more we will know and the more likely it is a teenager will learn.  More importantly, they are likely to feel cared for and that we are interested in them.

2nd National Indigenous Family & Community Strengths Conference, Newcastle, 1^st – 3^rd December, Newcastle:The Conference will bring together Indigenous and non Indigenous community members, workers, researchers and policy people to share stories about cultural, family and community strengths that have contributed to improving life for Australian Indigenous people. For further information, Ph: (02) 4921 6403, email: family@pco.com.au.  

4th Annual Conference on Mind & Its Potential, 2^nd – 3rd December, Sydney: A "ground-breaking" international conference that "brings together for the first time the best and brightest minds from Australia and internationally to explain the new science of the brain in a way that is interesting and useful to both professional and the general public". Includes a "Science of the Mind Forum" with His Holiness the Dalai Lama and eminent scientists. For further information, Ph: (02) 8719 5118, email: conferences@vajrayana.com.au.

What has Kirrilie been doing in the last term?

1. working with children and adolescents, particularly in the area of worry, sadness and school stress
2. running seminars for Senior Students on how to manage stress at this difficult time of the year
3. writing a new book on childhood behaviour – a long work very much in progress!

FAQ

I find that telling my teenage daughter what to do just doesn’t work.  What is an alternative way of communicating with her?

Telling teens what to do often isn’t a successful strategy; however letting them discover information for themselves can lead to a better experience.  Here are some ideas of questions to ask your teenager.

1. What was the hardest thing about …
2. Did you have any moments of worry today?
3. What are you looking forward to during the holidays?
4. If you could wave a magic wand and take something out of your life what would it be?
5. What is good about being friends with (name of friend)?
6. What is hard about being friends with (name of friend)?
7. When was the last time you felt sad?
8. What game do you like most on your DS/XBox/ Playstation/the net?
   Who do you talk most to on Facebook/MySpace/MSN these days?

9. Are there any movies you’re looking forward to seeing?
   What bits of being an adult are you looking forward to?
   What bits of being an adult are you not looking forward to?
   What do you feel proud of this year?
   Is there anything I can do to support you better over the next few weeks?

   A few tips:  don’t demand information, it is a privilege – gently request it.  Ask with genuine curiousity.  Don’t immediately follow an answer with a “lesson” or advice.  Ask while doing other tasks together.  Consider asking permission to ask questions.  Ask the teenager if they have questions for you.  Stop asking questions if you sense irritation … but try again later.